Barry's Crew
by LeFay Strent
Summary: The sadistic Barry the Chopper has teamed up with two equally sadistic assasins and this team of misfits are now up for hire...Amestris is surely doomed. -With a weird blend of humor and horror, this is one crackfic you won't easily forget.
1. Chapter 1

**Hellos! It's your freindly neighbor fanfiction writer, LeFay Strent! I've got a new story here inspired by xXRedPokerGirlxX. You rock Sierra! Anywho, this story is mainly about Sierra and my freind, Ragan, teaming up with Barry the Chopper and working as assassins. I'm going to be using a weird blend of humor and horror, randomness, and some crackficness for this story...this is gonna be interesting.**

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**Chapter 1**

Riza Hawkeye walked down the dark streets of Central with her loyal canine by her side. The neighborhood they were in was not known for its civility. That being said, Riza's free hand never strayed far from her firearm while the other clutched tightly at the briefcase she carried. Black Hayate's fur remained bristled as he sniffed the air warily. Neither of them were at ease in this area.

With their swift pace, they reached their destination: an out of the way motel in poor condition. These types of places were used mostly for illegal acts, but then, that was why she went there in the first place.

Riza found the correct room quickly and knocked on the door in staccato raps. A large figure with glowing eyes answered the door.

"Oh, goodie! You're right on time. Come in," he greeted her pleasantly. He stepped back and ushered her inward.

Black Hayate growled softly and Riza felt the same. She didn't want to go in there and would have rather done their transaction right there, but this was not business for the public's eye.

She went in, keeping the armored man in her sight at all times. He chuckled at her alertness, "A bit on edge, are we?"

"I'm not exactly in my comfort zone here, Barry," she remarked. As she conversed with him she took note of the two other people in the room, one a young woman with dark skin sitting on the windowsill while cleaning her nails with a knife and the other a young man dressed completely in black and laying on one of the two beds. His posture seemed relaxed but the look in his eyes as he stared at Black Hayate suggested that he would like nothing more than to dissect the dog.

Barry laughed once again, "True, quite true. This isn't exactly the part of town a pretty lady like yourself should be wandering around at night."

"Barry," the girl among his group called to him, still picking at her nails. "Cut the crap and get it over with already."

"Always impatient, aren't you Sierra?" Barry sighed, earning him a glare from her. He turned back to Riza, "Fine, let's do this shall we?"

She held out the briefcase, "Here's your payment."

The girl, Sierra, hopped up and took the briefcase from her, sitting it on a table so that she could open it and view the contents. She ran her hands through the stacks of money, smiling in satisfaction, "Twenty five thousand cens for the death of Jean Havoc. Glad to see you held up your end of the bargain."

"Adding that with the upfront payment that makes the whole fifty thousand," the guy on the bed commented almost absently.

Riza nodded sharply, "Alright then. Havoc's dead and you've been fully compensated. I'll be on my way now." She beckoned for Black Hayate to follow and he dutifully did so. They left the assassins' motel room and walked back into the night.

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**Hm, so apparently Riza had hired these guys to kill Havoc. I wonder why... It will be explained the next chapter, which I hope will be up in a week or less. See you soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So here it is, the second chappy. Now you better stop bugging me Ragan. Anyway, this turned out to be longer than I thought it would be but it mostly sets up the rest of the story by introducing the main characters. This chapter's not all that crackfic-y but the future one's will probably be. You have been warned. Also, read the super important note at the end of the chapter.**

**This story is gonna be mostly in everyone's POV in third person but a lot of this chapter is in Sierra's POV. I'm not listing when the POV changes cause I'll be swapping back and forth between the characters to show everyone's thoughts. Hope you guys like it! **

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**Chapter 2**

_80 hours ago…_

In the shady part of downtown Central, an odd group of suspicious people occupied room 15 at Denver's Motel. They had met a couple of months back and found that they all shared the same interest: killing people. They each had a variety of their own unique skills and thought they could benefit from each other so they joined up to work together as assassins. They had traveled to many cities, but no matter where they went there were always more customers demanding their service. They really were some of the best in the business.

At the moment, the oldest of the members, Barry, was out gathering information. This left the other two to their own devices in the shabby motel room. Presently, they were locked in heated gazes as they watched each other. Sierra narrowed her eyes at her opponent, Ragan. He smirked knowingly and made his next move.

"Got any two's?" he asked.

Sierra threw down her cards, "Damn it! That's the fifth one in a row! You're cheating!"

He tsked at her, waving his cards as he said, "You're just a sore loser."

Sierra growled at him and, in the blink of an eye, threw a knife. The card that had been held in Ragan's hand was now stuck in the wall an inch beside his head. Most people would have flinched at this. Not Ragan. Nothing really surprised or frightened the young man. He sat there calmly and smiled mockingly at her.

"You're such an infuriating little punk," Sierra said, going to sit at the windowsill so she could glare at him from afar.

Ragan simply laughed at her, remaining at the table so he could stack the cards into a neat pile. He brushed her anger off like it was nothing, which made her even angrier. This was one of the two modes Sierra had in her relationship with Ragan. She was either angry at him or was indifferent. But whenever they had a mission she appreciated his presence because he challenged her. Though the three of them were a team, none of them really worked together. When they got a new mission they always raced to see who could kill the target first. This brought an air of excitement to the job that none of them could feel when working alone and was the main reason they all stuck together.

Sierra gave up glaring at Ragan, mostly because it didn't have any effect on him anyway but also so she could stare at the world outside their crummy little motel room. Her dim reflection in the window gazed back her and she found herself lost in her own eyes. They were a chocolate brown, the same as her skin. Some of her bangs hung into her eyes but she didn't mind. She began to play absently with the long strands of her black hair. Her hands stayed constantly busy, even when she was sitting idly. It was either playing with her hands, twirling one of her knifes, or picking at her nails. She couldn't stand to sit still. That's the reason why she resigned from the military.

Sierra had always been a gifted fighter, and when she combined that with her alchemic talents the military was quick to have her. She became a State Alchemist at the age of seventeen, earning the title the "Lightning Alchemist". The arrays tattooed to her forearms allowed her to charge her blades with electricity and when she threw a charged knife it would explode with lightning upon impact. This made her a great asset during the war period in Amestris. But when the previous Fuhrer, King Bradley, was killed a new Fuhrer was sworn in and a time of peace followed. This didn't work for Sierra so she quit about a year ago and began her new career as an assassin. She was always able to find work and, since joining up with Ragan and Barry, there was never a week that went by where they weren't hired.

Sierra's reasons for becoming an assassin were practical but for Ragan that was another story. With Sierra, she needed something to do and this was the only thing she was good at and the pay was excellent. Ragan on the other hand didn't care about the money. He didn't seem to mind sitting still either and didn't show much love for anything…except killing. That's where his heart would lie: the kill. Sierra had seen it before, when Ragan's face would light up with blissful joy when he killed his target. His excitement for killing didn't concern Sierra. She too found the hunt thrilling to a certain extent. It was just the face he made when he went into attack mode…It was creepy. Sierra was sure that Barry would have the same sort of expression on his face when he killed but she couldn't tell due to the armor he was trapped in.

Sierra turned away from the window to look at her colleague. He had begun a game of solitaire and took his time with each move to calculate where it would lead. Though Sierra knew that he knew she was watching him, his dark brown eyes never strayed from the cards. Ragan had short brown hair that he always kept in place. Sierra was amused when she had found out he always carried a brush with him so he could fix his hair. He wasn't that concerned with how the rest of him looked but if his hair was messed up he'd throw a fit. His whole outfit, from his jacket to his shoes, was black and contrasted with his peachy skin tone. Sierra's clothes were black too to help camouflage herself. Ragan was the same except for the way he put it. To quote him, it helps him "blend into the shadows". He was an odd guy with odd quirks but was a crack shot with his bow. He was an alchemist himself but had never served in the army. Sierra didn't really know a lot about him, in fact, she didn't really have a clue about his past, just that he was eighteen, an alchemist, and had never been in the military. She had asked him once why he had become an assassin. He had given her that creepy look of his and asked with a smile, "Do you really want to know?"…Sierra never asked him again.

"Hello, hello!" Barry said cheerfully as he entered the room and closed the door behind him.

Sierra looked at him and arched a brow, "What's got you so chipper?"

"Well, if you must know we'll be having a visitor tonight."

"A customer?" Ragan asked with interest.

Barry nodded, "Oh yes. Word on the street is she's a lieutenant in the military."

"You idiot!" Sierra yelled at him, throwing a frying pan at Barry and knocking his helmet off. "Don't you know that dealing with the military is a big fat no-no! This could be a set up and we could all wind up in a jailcell."

Barry, ignoring her rant, picked up his helmet, and looked to Ragan and asked, "Where the heck did she get a frying pan?"

Ragan shrugged, "I don't know. She's always packin strange stuff."

"Listen to me!" Sierra yelled at them. "Aren't you the slightest bit concerned?"

"Sierra, calm down," Ragan told her. He would have went on to say more but a knife pinning the sleeve of his jacket to the wall stopped him.

Sierra glared at him with darkened eyes and an evil aura, "Don't tell me to calm down. If I wanna be pissed then I'll be pissed, damn it!"

Ragan removed the knife and looked down at the cut in his sleeve with a frown, "That's definitely not going to come out in the wash."

"Pay attention!" Sierra yelled, smacking him in the head.

He stared at her with a blank expression, "Ow."

"Come now children, don't fight," Barry chided them.

"That's funny, coming from you," she sneered. "You're the one who's gotten us into this mess."

"Hold on, Girlie. You're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be." Barry said to her.

Sierra crossed her arms, "Well, someone needs to be concerned cause neither of you don't seem to worried about it."

"Cause we've already thought through this."

She blinked at him, "What do you mean?"

"There's only two possibilities here," Ragan began. "The first being that this lieutenant is a real customer. If so then we'll do business with her like any other. If not and this is in fact a trap then we'll deal with her and any other military dogs she brings with her."

"Deal with them how?" she asked.

A gleam entered Ragan's eyes as he smiled viciously, "We kill them."

Sierra stared at him for a moment. Then she busted out laughing.

"So then, that's the plan?" Barry asked her to make sure she was on board.

"Alright then," she chuckled and smiled. These guys may be nuts but they sure knew how to party

* * *

When nightfall came so did their visitor. Barry had set up the meeting through a third party. Through them he had made the negotiations. While Barry waited inside the motel room, Sierra lurked across the street and kept watch from the ground. Ragan posted himself on the roof of one of the buildings in the area. Sierra didn't know which one but she was certain he was ready with his bow at a moment's notice. He must have seen their visitor before she did but he didn't take action because she was alone. Well, mostly alone. Curiously, she had brought her dog here with her. She carried a briefcase with her and seemed on edge but that could be because she was walking into dangerous territory, even if she was a customer.

Inside, Barry heard a knock at the door. He quickly went to answer it and his soul smiled at the sight, "Why hello there? Care to come in?"

The blonde gazed at him warily and nodded. He opened the door wider for her and let her enter the room along with her furry friend.

"I thought there were three of you," she commented as she glanced around the room.

He chuckled, "That's true but my associates are out right now. That makes you all alone with me."

She stiffened and her hand strayed closer to her handgun in its holster. Barry paid no mind to that. After all, bullets couldn't hurt him.

"So, how did a woman of your stature hear about us?" he asked politely.

She gave the smallest of smiles and answered, "I have my resources just as you have yours, I'm sure. But from what I heard you guys are the best."

"Well then, what can me and mine do for you?"

"I need you to get rid of someone for me, 2nd Lieutenant Jean Havoc. I've brought with me a list of his working hours, his home address, favorite hang outs, and his picture to identify him." She patted the briefcase as she said this.

"Did you bring the cash too?" Barry inquired. He didn't care about the money at all and neither did Ragan really, but Sierra would be pissed if he didn't collect their paycheck.

The lieutenant laid the briefcase on the small table and opened it swiftly. She gestured towards it, "You'll find all twenty five thousand cens here."

"And let's not forget the final payment when we've eliminated the target," another voice said.

Their guest jumped a little but quickly composed herself. She gazed at the young woman that had appeared at the open window. "Yes," she answered, "I'll give you the rest once the job's done."

Sierra smiled and stood from her seat on the windowsill. She gave Barry the briefest of headshakes, a sign that their guest had come alone. She walked over to the table, eyeing the money hungrily. Although Ragan and Barry had no love for money, Sierra made up for it with her own avarice. She visibly forced herself to not go straight for the bills and pick up the envelope instead. She scanned the information on the sheets inside. "Just out of curiosity, why do you want this guy killed?"

"Am I required to tell you that in exchange for your services?"

"No, I just don't like unsolved mysteries."

Riza smiled briefly and told her, "Very well, then. I want Havoc dead because I can't stand it anymore."

"What, is he an asshole or something?" Sierra asked.

She shook her head, "No, his personality isn't the problem. It's the smell. I can't bear the scent of smoke in the office any longer! That man refuses to quit smoking and something must be done about it!"

"And that something is killing him?" Sierra asked, bemused. Then she shrugged, "Whatever. It doesn't matter to us why you want him dead. We'll do the job. Meet us back here in three days so that we can collect the final twenty five thousand."

"You seem certain that you'll be done by then," Riza noted. "Alright, I'll be leaving then." She stepped back to the door with her dog and left.

Barry stared after the blonde regretfully, "She had some really great skin. I'd love to chop her up. Can I? Oh please?"

Sierra frowned at him, "You dimwit, you know we don't kill paying customers. We do this mission and we'll have another twenty five thousand easily. Besides, its just wrong."

"Sometimes I just don't get you, Girlie," Barry sighed, shaking his head. "You have no problems killing people but when it comes to any measly customer it bothers you."

"Unlike you Barry I have a sense of morals."

"Isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black?"

"Oh, shut up! You know what I mean! I just don't like the idea of betraying someone who's put their faith in me. It just makes me feel…dirty."

He laughed, "Boy, you really are an enigma."

"And you really are annoying. Now can we just go over the papers she brought us? I'd like this mission to actually be completed in three days." She then turned to lay the papers out on the table but squeaked in surprise when she found someone leaning over the roof of the room with their head hanging upside down in the window.

"The lady's gone. Her dog too," Ragan commented.

"Thank you Captain Obvious," Sierra growled. "And would you not pop out of nowhere like that? You scared the shit out of me."

"I get that reaction a lot," Ragan commented, and, still hanging from his perch, asked, "So I take it she was legit?"

Barry answered him, "Seems like it. That means we're good to go."

"Cool," Ragan said. Then he began again, "About that woman…"

"What about her?" Sierra asked, shuffling papers.

"After we get the final payment can I shoot her?"

"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU NUMBSKULLS?" Sierra screeched, throwing a toaster at him and hitting him dead in the face. Ragan fell off of the roof and landed on the ground hard.

Getting up, Ragan rubbed his head with one hand and picked the toaster up with another, "First a frying pan and now this? Why are you carrying around a toaster and a frying pan?"

"So I can make toast and eggs when I want to!" she yelled at him

"That's what you're asking?" Barry asked Ragan. "What I want to know is where she keeps these things." He eyed her clothes up and down. She wore a fitted black top and black pants with black combat boots covering her shins. And all over this outfit were an assortment of knives, a couple in sheaths on her arms and legs and more than a few hidden out of view. And this was when she was off a job. When Sierra went out on a hunt she was decked out, head to toe, in various blades. Plus, there was the occasional odd weapons she had somehow hidden in her clothes…like a toaster for example.

She looked at Barry and told him, "I've got a lot of tricks hidden up my sleeves."

"And toasters," Ragan commented, fiddling with the toaster. "So you never really answered my question before…"

Sierra face palmed, "You two are gonna be the death of me. No Ragan, you cannot kill the nice lady who paid us."

Ragan went and huddled in the corner with the toaster and muttered, "Killjoy."

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_The next day…_

The three of them split up the next morning as they usually did on missions. When on a hunt they all preferred to work on their own and race to kill the target first. Sierra sought out her target and watched him from afar to get a feel for the guy. She lurked around his house, the coffee shop he frequented, and the headquarters he worked at. This was how Sierra worked, up close and personal. Barry's armored state hindered him from following the same tactic so he wouldn't be showing up anywhere in the immediate area. Ragan wouldn't either, but that was because he liked to watch his prey from afar and from a higher vantage point. The three of them watched the target in their own ways and only planned to kill him the following day. That was how they always did it: watch the first day, kill the second day, collect the final payment the third day.

When the second day arrived Sierra knew exactly what she was going to do. She would hide out in the stairwell of the apartment floor the target lived on and wait for him to leave for work. Once she saw him leaving to go to work she would walk casually into the hall and act like an ordinary resident going to their apartment. When she went to pass the man she would draw out a knife and swiftly finish the job.

So early that morning she waited…and she waited…and she waited some more…and even more…

Finally, Sierra had had enough, "Damn it! Why isn't he leaving? He was suppose to leave for work over an hour ago!"

In her rage she stormed into the hallway and kicked down the door. The first thing she noticed was the dead body lying in the living room floor. She blinked at it and rushed over to it. Her fingers found no pulse, confirming that he really was dead. She looked him up and down but saw no injuries, but obviously one of her colleagues had gotten there first.

"But how?" she seethed.

"Poison."

Sierra turned around to find Ragan standing by the open door, smirking at her.

"I laced his cigarettes with poison and he did the rest of the work for me."

"You sneaky bastard," Sierra laughed, shaking her head. "How ironic. I guess smoking really does kill." She looked up at Ragan, who stood there staring at her blankly. Even though it angered her that she had lost, she could at least respect Ragan's talents.

"Well, we should get going," Ragan suggested. Then he turned to leave but ended up walking into the wall beside the door.

Sierra sweat dropped, "I can't believe I lost to an idiot like you."

"I resent that," Ragan said, but the words came out muffled due to his face being smushed against the wall.

When Ragan and Sierra left, Barry ran into them in an alley. He looked at both of them and said, "Wait, don't tell me,"

"Yep, this round goes to Ragan," Sierra said reluctantly.

"I really wish you'd call me the Bow Alchemist. It sounds cooler," Ragan sighed.

"You wouldn't know what cool was if it came and hit you in the face!" she yelled back at him.

Meanwhile, Barry sat in his emo corner and cried, "But I never got a chance to chop anyone up."

"Come on, you airheads," Sierra said as she walked past them. "Let's just get back to the motel and wait for the final payment." A silent Ragan and a crying Barry trailed behind her.

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**Is it weird that I like writing this? Eh, probably, but I never said I was normal. This at least explains the first chapter.**

**IMPORTANT: The future of this story depends on you, the readers. After every chapter, including this one, I'm going to ask who you guys want to see killed off next. Tell me who you want Barry's Crew to go after next and I'll pick my favorite suggestion. Shoot, you can maybe even go so far as to tell me who hires Barry's Crew and why they want that certain person dead. Heh, I just know you guys are going to surprise me...**

**Also, I'm going to be updating on this randomly, so don't expect super quick updates. *looks at Ragan pointedly* It could possibly be two weeks before I update or two days. I don't know. But, whenever it may be, I'll see you then!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Been a long time since I updated this. Sorry. But I read all of the reviews and lets just say I've got material for the next few chapters.**

**CONTEST! Check out the contest at the bottom of my profile!**

**Blackout day is tomorrow (June23) so remember people, don't log in or come onto fanfiction at all. For the sake of all fanfiction, please participate.**

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**Chapter 3**

Ragan stood in front of a mirror, brushing his dark brown hair to perfection. Five minutes later he felt satisfied and stepped outside of the motel room. It had been a few days since their last hit and Barry was looking into his sources for any new customers. Sierra was…well, not here. Ragan didn't know where the woman had run off to, nor did he care. He'd just find something to do until his comrades returned.

When Sierra neared the Denver's Motel establishment she found Ragan sitting on a sidewalk bench staring at the pedestrians that passed by.

"What are you doing?" Sierra asked with a raised brow.

Ragan didn't even glace at her as he answered, "People watching."

"…you're such a creeper," she snorted, mussing his hair as she walked by.

"AH! NOT THE HAIR!" he cried as he rushed back inside the motel room. God forbid anyone saw him while his hair was out of place.

Sierra followed in after him and sat down the shopping bags she had been carrying. After Ragan fiddled with his hair for a bit, he wandered over and peeked into the bags.

She swatted his hands away and chided him sternly, "No."

Ragan pouted, "Fine then. If I can't look at least tell me what you went shopping for this time.

She rolled her eyes at him, "Some food, a few clothes, and a few things from the weapons shop." As she said this, Sierra was eagerly pulling out a box of daggers and shuriken. She smiled down at them, "I can't wait to test these babies out."

Barry walked in, his mood as cheery as ever, "Hello friends! I'm back!"

Sierra cut to the chase, "Did you find any customers?"

"…"

"You dumbass!" Sierra pulled out an acoustic guitar and hit him with it.

"Language, Sierra." Ragan scolded from the sidelines.

She gave him a glare but quickly went back to Barry, "Your job is to get us clients because clients keep us in work and bring in cash. But if there are no clients then there is no work and there is no cash…and no cash makes Sierra very unhappy."

Barry laughed, "Oh, settle down, Girlie. We'll have clients soon. Good things come to those who wait."

"Oh yeah! Like if I wait here a customer is gonna _happen_ to just knock at the door!" she yelled sarcastically.

_Knock, knock._

All three of them looked towards the door.

"That's a little odd," Ragan commented.

Sierra shook his head at him, "It's just a coincidence. Some shmuck probably has the wrong room or something." She stepped past Barry and opened the door. She looked left, then she looked right. Finally, she looked down. "Um…guys?" she called uncertainly.

Curious, the two of them flanked Sierra and looked at what she was staring at.

"It's a dog," Ragan pointed out.

"No shit, Sherlock!" Sierra mumbled.

"Language," he scolded for the second time that day.

"Bite me," she snarled and turned her attention back to the dog. It was large, had black fur with white patches, and had a strange metal leg that she could only assume was automail. The dog stared at them and cocked its head, a piece of paper in it's mouth.

Ragan leaned down and took the paper from the dog's mouth. The dog let him have it and wagged his tail in response as if he had intended to give them the paper all along.

"There's something written here," Ragan said, squinting to read the nearly illegible writing. "Um, apparently the dog's a customer."

Sierra snorted, thinking he was joking. But when Ragan didn't smile she looked over his shoulder and began reading the paper too.

_Hello, my name is Den. Please kill the old lady who owns me, Pinako Rockbell. In return I will give you my secret stash of bones._

"You can't be serious," Sierra laughed at the sheer stupidity of the situation. "The dog wants us to kill it's owner? And it not only found us but wrote us a letter too? This is just ridiculous."

"On the bright side, weren't you just complaining about not having a customer?" Barry commented.

Sierra blinked in surprise, "Yeah, but this isn't what I had in mind."

Ragan, not bothering to question any of this, asked, "So are we gonna take the job?"

She walked away from them to dig in her shopping bags, "You guys can but count me out. I am not killing some old lady just for a pile of bones…and for a _dog _at that!"

Barry shrugged, "Ah well, more for us then. Right, Ragan?"

The younger man nodded. He turned to Den and with the most serious expression asked, "Alright Den, lead the way."

"You moron, the dog's not gonna…" Sierra began but trailed off as the dog began doing just that.

Barry gave a maniacal laugh and charged out the door with Ragan trailing behind as they followed Den.

Sierra shook her head, hoping to gain some sense of rationality.

The metal man and the bow boy were led onto a train and to the small country town of Resembool. As they walked down the dirt road they conversed.

"Why do you think he wants his owner dead?" Barry asked his companion.

Ragan shrugged, "Maybe she messed up his hair. I know I'd want to kill someone who messed up my hair." His thoughts strayed towards Sierra. She was lucky that she was apart of the team.

They arrived at a two story yellow house. The sign out front let them know they had reached the right place. The dog sat by the mailbox, watching them expectantly.

"How do you wanna do this?" Ragan asked Barry. "Since Sierra's not here we can't do the usual routine."

"Let's go crazy!" Barry laughed, pulling out some sort of grenade.

Ragan raised his brows in mild surprise, "Where did you get that?"

"Heh, I 'borrowed' it from Sierra. So say nothing about this."

Ragan nodding, planning to tell the woman as soon as they got back to Central. It should be amusing to watch Sierra chase after Barry in a raging fit. Ragan had to make things exciting somehow.

As the two approached the house the door began to open, making them duck quickly around the corner of the building. They peeked around to see a blonde girl step out the door and stroll towards the shops near the train station. Den, seeming to know the girl, trailed behind her after sending the two assassins a pointed look.

Ragan watched the girl's retreating figure, "Should we kill her too?"

Barry shook his head, "She's not the target. We've got a mission to worry about."

Ragan frowned, "You're starting to sound like Sierra now."

Barry froze for a whole five seconds before he gasped, "You're right! That blasted girl is getting to me! That's it, I don't care! After we kill this old hag we're going on a killing spree!"

The younger man grinned widely, "Now you're talking."

They snuck around the house, peeking into the windows until they found a room with an occupant. A tiny elderly woman was working on a mechanical limb at the dinning room table. Barry carefully raised the window without it making a sound. When there was enough room, Barry activated the grenade and threw it inside. Ragan had expected a boom but instead a gas filled the room. The old lady began gasping and coughing as if she were choking.

"Tear gas," Ragan concluded.

"Aw, now she's all defenseless," Barry laughed mockingly at his prey. He whipped out his favorite butcher knife and ran around to the front door, as he couldn't fit his large armored body through the opening of the window. Ragan smiled, realizing he _could _fit through the window and would therefore be able to get to the target faster.

He reached up and grabbed a hold of the windowsill and hoisted himself up. Then he pulled himself inside and smiled. That smile quickly turned into a frown as his eyes began to water. His throat began to burn, causing him to cough harshly.

"You idiot!" Barry yelled from across the room. "You forgot about the tear gas didn't you?"

"No," Ragan coughed but, of course, he had. He couldn't believe how careless he had been.

"Both of you are idiots!" another voice shouted at them. Suddenly, the coughing figure of the old woman was hit by a dozen shuriken. Her body dropped to the ground, lifeless.

The guys looked at the body, looked to each other, and then looked at the silhouette walking towards them through the cloud of gas.

"I thought you were sitting this one out?" Barry asked the newcomer.

Sierra stood there, hands on her hips while wearing a gas mask to protect her airways and eyes, "I was but then I realized that you two would probably get into trouble without me around."

"And you just had to come and steal our kill," Barry whined.

"Oh, hush up. She's still alive," Sierra retorted.

It was true. The old lady was laying on the ground twitching from the shuriken embedding her flesh. Ragan crouched down beside her to stare through his teary eyes. He poked her body and was rewarded with another twitch.

"Cool," Ragan chuckled.

"That means I still get to have my fun!" Barry cheered. Then he set upon the old lady like a starving animal and began chopping her up into bloody pieces. Ragan sat there and watched the scene with a creepy grin on his face. Sierra just rolled her eyes at them and walked out the door.

* * *

As the trio made their way towards the train station to catch a ride back to Central, Ragan halted. The others stopped and looked at him questioningly. Ragan pointed a finger towards a shop where a blonde teenager was walking out with a dog by her side.

"I call dibs," Ragan said with a small smile. From the look on his face he was obviously dissecting the poor girl in his mind.

"No fair! I wanted to chop her up," Barry complained.

"Neither of you morons are killing her. Now come on," Sierra said and resumed walking towards the train station thinking the others would follow. Barry started to but paused when Ragan approached the girl.

"Hello," Ragan greeted her pleasantly.

She sent him a friendly smile in reply, "Hi."

"You're ugly, but you intrigue me."

Winry blinked as if she couldn't believe what he'd said, "Excuse me?"

Ragan leered at her, "So why don't you and I go somewhere more private where I can-OW!"

Barry laughed as Den bit Ragan's hand. Ragan began dancing around trying to get the dog to release him. The blonde, thinking that Ragan was just a pervert, pulled out a wrench of all things and threw it at him. The tool hit his forehead and he went down for the count. Then the girl huffed and stalked away while grumbling under her breath.

Barry stepped over to Ragan who was laying on the ground with his eyes replaced by swirls. Barry chuckled, "I like her!" Since Ragan was out of it Barry picked him up and hurried to catch back up to Sierra.

* * *

A few days later they found a pile of bones had mysteriously been placed on their doorstep.

* * *

**Yeah, I was gonna kill Mustang off in this chapter (cause a lot of people seem to want him dead, haha) but I'm gonna save him for later. Someone voted for Pinako to die and Ragan came up with the customer.**

**I'd still like to hear who you guys want Barry's Crew to go after, who should hire them, and even their reason why. So leave that in a review.**

**And don't forget to check out the contes on my profile!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Aha! I've finally updated this! No, I did not forget about this story. I've just been busy.**

**As you read this, please remember this is a cracky story. Also, I don't know if I've mentioned this before cause it's been way too long since I wrote for this, but this story is based mainly off of Brotherhood but it's not completely limited to the show. That's why you may find some things different. Just a little warning.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

"And then he kicked my face and ran off. It was so rude," Sierra shook her head as she finished her story.

From where Ragan lay on the bed he asked, "And your retaliation method was?"

Sierra paused in sharpening her knives and grinned at him, "I stole his pants."

He laughed, "Sounds like you were quite the terror when you were a kid."

She nodded and went back to her knives with a smile, "Best game of tag I ever played."

The door to the motel room opened and the pair didn't think much of it, assuming it was a certain disembodied suit of armor. Ragan had just closed his eyes and was considering taking a nap when Sierra's scream snapped his eyes open.

"Holy shit!" Sierra screamed as she jumped up with a knife at the ready. There in the doorway was what could only be described as a zombie. The man's eyes were a milky white, his skin was ashy and bits were rotted, and the smell of death lingered in the air around him.

"Language," Ragan admonished absently. Most of his attention was focused on the walking corpse.

She turned her head to give him a WTF expression, "Seriously? A freaking zombie just came into our room and that's what you're worried about?"

Ragan ignored her questions and just sat there studying the dead man. He cocked his head to the side, "He looks familiar…"

Sierra stopped her freak out to get a real good look at the zombie, "Yeah, he does… Hey! He's that guy we killed two chapters ago!"

"You mean that _I _killed," Ragan corrected.

Sierra rolled her eyes, "Whatever." Then she squeaked in fright and jumped back as zombie Havoc stumbled too close to her. "Don't just sit there, Ragan! Do something!"

Ragan sighed, "You're no fun." He pulled out his bow and, barely pausing to aim, fluidly shot the zombie. The arrow skewered his head and he fell to the ground.

Sierra tip toed over to the corpse and poked it with her foot to confirm the zombie was completely dead this time. "Man, Central gets weirder with every year."

"I'm back!" Barry sang as he bounded happily into the room. He froze when he saw the dead body. "Isn't that the guy we killed two chapters ago?"

"Again, _I _was the one who killed him," Ragan corrected, annoyed.

"Anyway," Barry went on, ignoring the body, "I found us a customer! He should be by in a little bit."

"That means we should go ahead and hide this guy. Wouldn't want anyone to give us any questions about it," Sierra said as she lightly kicked the body again.

Ragan wilted, "Aw, I was wanting to hang him on the wall for decoration."

"Oh, shut up you creep. And go hide the body while you're at it."

Rather than sulk about his new task, Ragan perked up at the idea of lugging a dead body around. He jumped on the job with zest that had Sierra shaking her head and Barry watching in amusement.

"So Barry, where did you find a customer this time?" she asked him.

"Oh, it's an old friend of mine. Well, if you can call him that, considering I tried to kill him the first time we met. But we were comrades back when I fought against the Homunculi and they were still in power."

Sierra blinked in surprise, "You fought against the Homunculi? _You_? I didn't know that."

"Eh, it's a long story. I'll tell you in another chapter."

Sierra shook her head, "You are a very complex suit of armor, you know that?"

Just as Ragan had finished stuffing the body in the closet a knock on the door alerted them of a guest.

"Looks like he's here!" Barry said excitedly and rushed to answer the door. From where she stood Sierra couldn't see who their visitor was since Barry's bulky body blocked the doorway. But whatever he said to the person must have pissed him off because Barry was suddenly knocked back into the room where he fell ungracefully onto his rump.

"Still the same as ever I see," Barry chuckled.

"No I'm not! I've grown since then!" the blonde man shouted and stomped into the room. He stood there defiantly, surveying each of the room's occupants. "So, which one of you is in charge? Please don't tell me it's Barry."

"Pfft! As if!" Sierra giggled, causing Barry to glare at her.

"There's not really a leader. It's all a group effort from everyone," Ragan answered the guy's question. The blonde gazed at Ragan a little too long for his comfort and Ragan averted his eyes, "What are you staring at me for? There's nothing in this closet behind me."

"Uh…huh," the blonde uttered, raising a brow and turning to the others. "So, I heard you guys were up for hire."

Sierra eyed him warily, hands on her hips, "Yeah, but what's the Fullmetal Alchemist want with a crew like us?"

"So that's why he looks familiar," Ragan murmured to himself, giving Edward another look over.

The blonde alchemist gave a cocky grin, "I've got a job for you guys."

"Hmmm…keep talking," Sierra replied.

"It's my old man you see, Van Hohenheim. I want you to take him out."

"Wow, that's kinda harsh, don't you think?" Barry said.

Sierra elbowed the metal man, "Shh! Who cares as long as he's a paying customer."

"He may be my father but the guy's a bastard," Ed scowled. "He's caused nothing but trouble for the rest of my family and me. I want you to find him and eliminate him."

"Wait, find him? You mean, you don't know where he is?" Barry asked.

Ed shrugged, "I haven't seen the guy since he walked out when I was a kid. But for going through the extra work of having to find him I'll throw in a bonus." Ed gave a huge grin as he pulled out a solid gold bar.

"I don't know-"

"_We'll take it!_" Sierra exclaimed, cutting off Barry's sentence. She snatched the gold bar out of his hands and proceeded to cuddle the bar to her face with hearts in her eyes.

"I guess that means we're taking it," Ragan surmised.

"Great! I'll be back in a week to see if it's done!" And with that, the Fullmetal Alchemist left the building.

"So how exactly are we gonna find this guy?" Barry asked.

Ragan scratched his chin, "I'm not sure but we've only got a week to do it so we should get started right away. What do you think Sierra?"

"Pretty gold, pretty gold, pretty gold," she cooed.

"…and we've lost her."

* * *

The next day saw Ragan frequenting every dive in Central. True, they weren't the most hygienic establishments, nor did they harbor the friendliest people, but these were the sort of places where dirt could be found. Only…there was no dirt to be found anywhere on Van Hohenheim. Barry's inquiries with his various contacts got him nowhere either. The one highlight of the day was when Sierra came back from infiltrating the Central command center, telling them that the military had performed their own searches for the man and all of them coming up empty.

"This guy must be either really good or really bad if the military is after him," Ragan commented, once again lying on his motel room bed and looking bored as he fingered a dart in contemplation.

"More than likely the former, seeing as he is the father of the Fullmetal Alchemist," Barry agreed with him. "He's probably one heck of an alchemist."

Ragan smiled at that, his eyes gaining a far away look, "Good. That means he'll be a challenge."

"If we can find him that is," Sierra nodded. She frowned, thoroughly disgruntled by their lack of information on the man. "I did manage to dig up his last known whereabouts along with a semi-description of the man. He was last seen somewhere out East."

"Guess we're headed East then," Ragan decided, throwing the dart at the dart board hung over the small eating table and hitting a perfect bull's-eye.

* * *

The trio traveled all the way to Lior, the farthest Eastern city in Amestris. In fact, the city was bordered by the Eastern Desert, a vast expanse of sand that went on and on until you reached Xing.

"I hear the people here worship the sun," Barry began conversationally as they exited the train station.

"That's stupid. It's just a mass of hydrogen," Ragan scowled, deft fingers picking at his hair. "I don't like the east. The humidity here does horrid things to my hair."

"You pansy," Sierra snorted and led the way through the bustling city.

As they strolled along (receiving a few odd looks here and there mostly because of the out-of-the-ordinary suit of armor), Barry spoke as if he were giving a class a lecture, "Used to, the faithful citizens here were led by a prophet who claimed to perform miracles. But things didn't go so well when he was exposed as a fraud. There was a small uprising but it was quickly dealt with and the people here came together to rebuild their society, despite lacking the prosperity they had before."

Both Sierra and Ragan halted to stare at Barry.

"What?" the armor asked, shrugging. "Just because I'm a butcher doesn't mean I don't educate myself."

The other two shared a look and Sierra finally nodded her head back and forth, "Touché."

They resumed their path and Ragan asked, "But how does any of those facts help us find our mystery man?"

Barry held up his hand as if he were about to say something wise. Then he slumped forward and admitted, "I suppose it doesn't."

"Idiot," Sierra muttered, rolling her eyes.

They stopped in a quaint restaurant, the two in their group who had bodies needing to replenish them seeing as it was late in the afternoon. So late in fact they probably needed to find a place to stay for the night. The three of them were considering this while waiting for their meals to arrive when something…peculiar happened.

A pair of men entered the building, one of them supporting the other who was practically dead weight for the other. The one supporting him appeared to be a native of Lior, his hair and skin kissed by the sun. The unconscious one however looked more Xingese than anything, black bangs escaping his ponytail and hiding his face.

"Can I get some food and water for the guy? I found him passed out on the road," the Lior guy spoke frantically to one of the servers. The lady helped them to a table right away and ran off to bring back a bowl of stew and water. When the smell hit him, the Xingese man woke from his stupor and dove into the meal with ravenous intensity. After practically inhaling it, he glanced to the shocked waitress with thin eyes and asked in a high, cheery tone, "Another please? I'm mighty starved."

The lady blinked and stumbled a reply, leaving to go get more for the man.

"That was weird," Ragan noted as their own waitress served them.

Little did they know that it would only get weirder.

The Xingese man devoured _fifteen_ plates of food and was still going strong. The guy who had brought him had long gone after seeing to the guy's well being, but the Xingese man's server watched the whole thing in bafflement as did the other employees and customers.

"This is delicious! Do you have any dessert?" the man asked, licking his lips after plate seventeen.

"S-sir, don't you think you've had enough?" she asked fretfully, fearing the man would explode.

"Nonsense! Crossing the desert takes a lot out of you. I need to regain all that energy I spent!"

"You crossed the desert?!" she gasped. "All by yourself? That's insane!"

He scratched his head as if remembering something, "Well, I did have a couple of companions…but I've seem to have lost them."

"Poor dear," the waitress said sympathetically. "Not to worry! I'll get you some dessert right away." Then she pranced away.

Ragan leaned over towards the guy's table, which was close enough for them to hear the whole conversation. He told the man bluntly, "You're nuts."

The Xingese man turned to him, surprised, "Pardon?"

"Ragan!" Sierra smacked him upside the head. "Don't insult random strangers!"

"He's not exactly random," he defended.

She gave him a dull glare that clearly showed him her opinion of his intellect, "He's some guy who crossed the desert and wound up here half starved to death. That's pretty random if you ask me."

"She's got a point," Barry agreed.

"Amazing," a voice said, closer than expected. All eyes turned to see the Xingese man hovering beside Barry and gauging him in fascination.

"I stand by my earlier statement. This guy is nuts," Ragan affirmed to himself.

The Xingese man stood up straight and, grinning, held out a hand to Barry, "Hello! My name is Ling Yao. You remind me of someone I know."

"Barry," Barry replied congenially, shaking hands with him. "And who might that be? There's not many like me, I can tell you that."

Ling, apparently having figured out that Barry was only a soul attached to a suit of armor, plopped down in the spare chair at their table, "True. I've only met one other like you. Maybe you've met him. Alphonse Elric?"

"My, my. Talk about a small world," Barry said in surprise.

Sierra leaned close to Ragan, whispering softly to him while eyeing Ling suspiciously, "Isn't that the name of Fullmetal's brother?"

"Hm," Ragan nodded, sipping on his glass of sweet tea and watching the suit of armor and Xingese man talk with rapt attention.

Sierra nearly snorted to herself. A suit of armor and a Xingese man…sounded like the beginnings of a very bad joke.

"I take it you know him?" Ling chirped, delighted. He became positively joyful when his waitress migrated to their table with the dessert he ordered. The man thanked her and dug into a large slice of apple cobbler.

"Yes, that boy and I go way back," Barry said, his eyes glowing menacingly as he remembered the first time he met the fellow armored soul. Word on the street was that he had his flesh and blood body back. The boy would be so much more vulnerable now… "Actually, the reason me and my comrades are out here are because of his brother, Edward."

"Barry…" Sierra began in a low tone, threatening him to not say anything more on the subject.

He waved her away without concern, "Relax, Girlie. He may be able to help us find what we're looking for."

"I'd be happy to help!" Ling exclaimed, signaling to the waitress for more cobbler. "What is it you're looking for? Buried treasure? The secret to immortality?"

"Van Hohenheim," Ragan answered frankly.

Ling actually opened one of his eyes to peer at the boy in disappointment, "…that doesn't sound exciting at all."

"Well, that's the job," Sierra replied, sitting back lazily in her chair.

Ling sighed mournfully but still had enough spirit to dig into his second plate of dessert with gusto, "And here I thought it'd be something fun. Shoulda known Ed would have you do something boring."

"Regardless, do you know the man or not? Or are we just wasting our time?" Sierra asked. The longer they stayed there with the Xingese stranger, the more nervous she became. She sensed something dangerous hidden underneath his cheerful exterior and she didn't want to get involved in it.

On the other hand, Ragan was simply wondering how Ling accurately ate his food with his eyes squinted shut. Obviously, he was not big on worrying about things. Too much trouble and caring were involved for his tastes.

Finished with his second plate, the black hole known as Ling turned to her in all seriousness, "I never said I couldn't help you. I know the man, yes." One eye opened again, and he stared at her with a smirk, "And I also know where you can find him."

"Splendid!" Barry cheered.

Ling closed his eye back and smiled with a pleased air, "Nowadays, he spends his time in the ancient ruins of Xerxes. You can find Van Hohenheim there."

Ragan turned to Barry questioningly, "Xerxes?"

"It's in the Eastern Desert. Legend has it that it was destroyed in a single night to create a Philosopher's Stone. I've never visited the area myself but I've heard the ruins are quite a sight."

Sierra closed her eyes and shook her head, "So you being a history buff might come in handy after all. I take back what I said earlier."

"Thank you! You know Girlie, you can be agreeable when you try. If you lost some of that snarky attitude I bet you could find yourself a handsome, rich husband."

"Shove it, tin can!"

"Guys?"

"What?" they asked, one pleasant and one yelling in anger as they both turned to look at Ragan.

He pointed across the table, blinking in confusion, "Ling's gone."

The others looked around and, sure enough, the Xingese man was gone.

"Where the hell did he go?!" Sierra asked, glancing all around and even checking under the table all to no avail. "There's no way he could give us the slip like that. Not us."

Ragan's eyes widened in a rare display of astonishment. "Ninja…" he whispered as if that explained everything.

And indeed, it did.

"Here's your receipt!" their waitress piped up, smiling good-naturedly at them and placing their ticket on the table.

"And here's your friend's," the other waitress told them, giving them Ling's receipt as well. The man was gone and since they had been acting all nice towards Ling they were stuck with his bill. There was no way to wiggle out of it either, not if they didn't want to blow their cover.

"Son of a bitch!" Sierra growled, slamming her fist against the table.

* * *

"_I've been riding in the desert on a horse with no name_-"

"But I thought the horse's name was Stormy?" Barry asked, confused.

"I was trying to set the mood!" Ragan hissed.

"Ragan, we've been traversing through the desert for _hours_," Sierra pointed out. "It's safe to say, the mood has already been established.

The three of them were traveling through the Eastern Desert towards Xerxes, Ragan and Sierra riding atop two horses they had rented from a stable in Lior. Barry, seeing as he wouldn't get tired, rode no horse. Plus, a horse probably couldn't carry his weight anyway.

"You think we're heading the right way?" Ragan asked, having not paid much attention to the others' words.

"We better be, or someone's gonna get it," Sierra complained.

Barry laughed nervously, "This is the correct way! I'm telling you, we're following that guide's instructions exactly!"

"Oh, you mean the _blind_ guide you found? Newsflash Barry, never ask a blind man for directions."

"The dude seemed legit," Ragan commented.

"Don't stick up for him!"

"Hey look! I see something!" Barry interrupted, waving and pointing ahead of them.

The others squinted at the hazy horizon. It took a minute, but some definite shapes were there.

Ragan's face split in a grin. "Hiya!" the boy kicked his horse, causing it to gallop forward.

"Wait up, Cowboy!" Barry called, running after him. Sierra mumbled a few choice words and encouraged her horse to chase after them.

Barry was right about one thing; the ruins were a sight to behold. You could just feel the history that lay in the broken pillars and buildings that had been reduced to shambles. But the real magnificence of the place was the large, crumbling wall with a giant, detailed circle drawn on it. It was here that they found their target.

"That's him…" Sierra said, stopping to a halt beside her comrades in surprise. Yes, he was the blonde, bespectacled man the files she found in Central HQ had described, however…

"Is this some alchemist thing?" Barry asked them in a whisper, though it was a moot point. They were easily visible, and yet, the target took no notice of them.

"Definitely not," Sierra shook her head, not knowing how to react to the sight before them.

Ragan cocked his head, a smile tugging at his lips, "He's more nuts than that Ling guy!"

The others nodded in agreement, the three of them continuing to watch the oddity known as Van Hohenheim.

For some reason unbeknownst to them, the golden man was stumbling over his own two feet, walking in circles, and giggling about pretty butterflies. His hands reached out as if to catch said butterflies, but there were no insects in the vicinity…or the whole desert for that matter.

"He's lost his ever-lovin mind," Sierra concluded, unable to look away, similar to how one can't look away from a train wreck no matter how horrible it is. Well, horrible to normal people anyway. Ragan would probably laugh at something like that while eating popcorn.

"Hold on. I got this," Ragan assured them, sliding off his horse and approaching the loony man. Sierra and Barry shared a doubtful look but made no move to stop the bow boy.

Ragan planted himself in the path Hohenheim was circling, causing the man to stop after nearly colliding into the shorter boy. Hohenheim paused for a moment in confusion.

"What's up?" Ragan asked.

"…butterflies are pretty," the dazed man responded, swaying on his feet.

With utter graveness, Ragan nodded in agreement, "Yes they are. Now can you tell me why you're seeing butterflies? I'd just like to know that before I kill you."

Luckily, Hohenheim didn't comprehend the serious situation he was in, or he just didn't care. He answered in a mumble, "Mushrooms…"

"I guess he ate some funky mushrooms," Sierra concluded, taking note to keep Ragan away from any mushrooms they came across on the way back to Lior. Knowing him, he'd want to try them out for kicks.

Then Hohenheim smiled and patted Ragan's shoulder.

Ragan turned to the others and grinned, "I think he likes me!"

Sierra snorted, "More like Papa Hoho here is a pedo. Ragan, I wouldn't trust the loony creep if I were you."

"Nah, everything's fine," he told her.

And then Hohenheim made the biggest mistake anyone in Amestris could ever do.

He touched the hair.

Ragan's eyes narrowed into malicious slits as Hohenheim ruffled his hair. With a manic expression, Ragan produced two arrows and, not even bothering to use his bow, began stabbing the man with their sharp tips. Over…and over…and over again.

Barry fell to the sandy ground he laughed so hard. Sierra simply sweat dropped.

Once Hohenheim had an alarming amount of puncture wounds, Ragan stood back up. Glaring at the body, he panted, "Don't. Touch. The. Hair."

"Whoo, can we go now?" Sierra asked uninterested. Truthfully, she had no love for the desert and was sick of being there. She liked warm weather but the heat here was plain ridiculous!

"Can we take his body back with us? I can start a collection!" Ragan said, his disturbing sense of cheer returned. He already had Havoc's body stored in the closet back at the motel. He could add Hohenheim's as well! The decoration possibilities were endless!

"NO!" Sierra commanded. "Do you know how much they would stink up the place? Not to mention _it's freaking creepy!_"

Ragan pouted, "But I do creepy so well."

"Why is Hohenheim getting up?" Barry asked randomly as he himself stood.

They looked to see that the golden man was struggling to a standing position.

"It's another zombie!" Sierra screamed. "The epidemic is spreading!"

"I don't think so," Ragan murmured, bemused by the sight. "His wounds are healing. Zombies don't heal."

"Oh, so you're a zombie expert now?" Sierra asked sarcastically. Then she thought about it, "You know what? Never mind." There was no telling the things Ragan was an expert in.

As Ragan had mentioned, the wounds Ragan had inflicted on Hohenheim were healing by way of red sparks.

"That looks like alchemy," Barry observed the man who now was fully healed and standing, brushing the sand off of his clothes.

"You're right," Sierra agreed in shock. "It's no alchemy I've ever seen before. What the hell is this guy?"

"A homunculus maybe? I've seen them heal much in the same way."

"Wouldn't Fullmetal have told us if daddy dearest was a homunculus?"

"Maybe the kid didn't know?"

"Get real, Barry! Homunculi can't procreate!"

"Maybe we should just ask him," Ragan suggested. It was such a simple solution the others could only stare, dumfounded. He took that as a go-ahead and questioned the man, "How'd you heal like that?"

"That wasn't…very nice," Hohenheim muttered. He didn't look very angry though. In fact, he appeared to be _sulking_.

"How'd you heal like that?" Ragan repeated, unperturbed.

"You scared the butterflies away," Hohenheim said, glancing around to look for the imaginary insects.

"How'd you heal like that?" he repeated once again.

"For the love of- Answer the damn question!" Sierra shouted at the blonde man, impatient.

He glanced at her, foggy eyes not really seeing her but answered the question nevertheless, "Philosopher's…Stone…inside me."

"Told you he was a homunculus!" Barry sang.

"No, I'm not a…homunculus," Hohenheim corrected, gazing at a random pillar.

Sierra frowned, "I don't care what you are buddy. How do we kill you?"

The man laughed at that, "I can't die!"

"Well, that makes things difficult."

"How do we kill an unkillable man?" Ragan asked.

"I'm pretty sure 'unkillable' isn't a word," Barry told him.

"What are you, a dictionary?" Sierra snorted. "At any rate, we've got to make sure he doesn't come back to life."

"I could chop him up," Barry offered.

"I'd regenerate," Hohenheim said, half paying attention to the conversation.

"Drats."

"I got it!" Ragan snapped as an idea formed in his mind. "We dig a hole…"

Sierra's brow rose incredulously, "A hole?"

"Yeah! A deep hole! And then we tie him up, throw him in, and bury him! That's as good as dead, right?"

"Hm, that's not a bad plan," Sierra smiled, pleased. "Alright! Hop to it then!"

Ragan scowled at her, "I'm not a dog." Despite his words, he obeyed. He produced another one of his arrows and used the tip to draw a large array in the sand, leaving Hohenheim in the center. The man watched in amusement, showing no concern for himself what-so-ever.

Sierra wondered how many of those mushrooms the man had eaten.

After he finished, Ragan placed his hand to the array and it sprung to life. Blue electricity danced across the lines and converged on the figure in the middle. The sand rose up to solidify around him, binding him in stone. Next, Ragan moved the sand to form a deep pit in the earth and let the alchemy lower the bound man inside. Not once did Hohenheim try to fight back. The transmutation was completed when Ragan filled the hole once more, leaving no trace of the man behind.

"…I still say we should have tried chopping him up," Barry said after everything was done.

Sierra rolled her eyes, "Whatever. Mission accomplished. Let's head back to Central. If we get back in time, maybe Fullmetal will give us another shiny, gold bar!" She tightened her grip on the horse's reigns and, without waiting for the guys, set off towards the way they had come.

"It's always a one-track mind with that one," Barry commented, watching her depart.

"We're not much different," Ragan admitted, coming to stand by his horse.

"…Ragan, what are you holding?"

The young man grinned at the suit of armor, "I found some of those mushrooms. Don't tell Sierra."

Barry barked out a laugh. The trip back would be very entertaining…

* * *

**So, a couple of you guys asked for Ed to hire them to kill Hohenheim and this is what me and Ragan came up with. Thanks for this chapter goes to him as well as mii is miao mii who suggested Havoc come back. ^_^**

**I just wanted to say that this is my first time ever writing for Ling and I had quite a bit of fun with him. I have no clue when the crew will be hired to eliminate Ling, but I'm sure when that time comes around Sierra will be very pleased. XD**

**So far, I've gotten a lot of good reviews and lots of interesting customer/target suggestions. I've actually created a list of several of the suggestions that I'll use but I won't say which ones. Gotta keep it a surprise. In the meantime, keep sending in those requests. I'll get to them all...eventually...someday...*sigh***


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